everything means nothing to me

this was often coming into my head london 28 june to 29 july 2011.
tony hauth loved elliott smith.
loved.
the first time we met in echo park tony showed me his elliott smith books.  he told me about diabetes.
the second time we met was at cafe audrey in hollywood. we talked over vegan cookies.
third time we met in venice, we kissed.  his mouth was smokey.
he was working hard on vegan catering, elaborate tarts and vegan glazes.
then the fourth time we met in hollywood, well tony was so beautiful that day . . . he had borrowed his venice roomie's car to job-hunt.
then we met walking on hollywood blvd. one morning around 5 am.
he seemed sad and not well.
i told him i was so lonely, come live with me.
and then he did in october 2009.
he reminded me of nick maybury.
i remember telling nick probably 8 october 2009 he could move in too, that tony just slept all the time and surely wouldnt mind.  that was before i realized what.
and tony was a sagittarius.
and sagittarius and leo are natural friends.
elliott smith was a leo too.
i keep thinking of the leonard cohen line:
"you know who i am"
a pretty funny joke if you think of identity as illusion, but also a funny thing to say to people.
barry goldberg told me  a funny story about listening to some hollywood cats bad-mouthing someone, and turning to them and saying "do you know who i am?"
first time i laid eyes on barry september 2010, i thought, "he's mine."
i was really convinced he was the love of my life, but you know sometimes things are one-sided.
usually, in my case.