Bianca Regina et Imperatrix

we're good people
we love the ocean
homophobia broke up my first true love and i
so we settled for men
we could have had an eighteen years of bliss

and i'm dreaming of her hands
soft and Polish
in mine

she was smaller than me
i can remember her over the din
om mani padme hum

in los angeles
she was prettier
too fine for me

her cruelty had me in the grip
as i wondered through the silence
of her father and opera

delusions of unwanted men populated beverly hills
mornings

mirrors to eachother
a teacher
a governess
she was those things

###
now i sit in the crush
of waikiki's destruction

as i was eating carrots
with very good teeth
he explained to me
the crime of photocopying
a robert frost poem

on a hollywood veranda

lovelier princes would
take court later

bianca came first.
california emerged like a mirage
of westward calling
i drove through labyrinths
of ransom's passings
to finally escape the grey gravity
in a certain siberia

siberia followed me
to make assorted threats
and when brother makes mention
of a line

might i remember who hit me
brutally, forcefully
as i drove a car on briley
one mark franklin holladay
hiding in recovery now

being beaten by a man
at any age
for any reason
system of a down
or other
holds a sunset hero
and september villain
of dust

relief for the black janitors of vanderbilt
father never hit us, much less threaten


###
father and i had a hard time
going down
into the ways of the senex
everyone got shafted
especially my brother

##
one eng held the piano bench leg over
another eng's throat
such is the travesty of alcoholism, neglect
but he knows everything now he's sober
or a dry drunk, as mark says

one day there
was a cancer
to hold
certain in ambient lovecats to LAX

the truth wants to be free
sometimes
like wine bottles on the counter
when drunk-drivers kill

so what if he threw beads and shouted
at least he tipped me off
when siberia wanted me in a pussyriot straightjacket
i never held the piano bench leg over his throat
never

michael was scaring us all
and the whole city

such were the perils
of absentee parenting
the anne eng
way

we were lost little children
in a steve eng sweatshop
the writer's lair
held no meaning in the hours of endless silence
and then quick bursts of
michael guardian angel stories
mary catherine strobel
would be knifed to death
lest we thought USA was safe

we'd watch columbine uncertainly facing westward
colorado had a can of worms
it's everybody's oslo now
hiding in a garbage can
with the family jewels

music contained visions
terrors in edinburgh
male violence
haunting me round the globe
he would "hex" my computers
one arran edmonstone thomson
one son of a woman-beater

i was reading michael hastings
something about afganistan
seven pillars of wisdom

max schuster
skull-crusher
inflicted my first serious head injury

###
i explore his brains
the frightful patterns
i learn new ways
like the gates
domestic violence in america

where neither women nor men are free
keith fink's name populates my inbox
and dopamine floods the brain
is there a human on earth who understands
the suffering that is american apparel?

mary nelson said let's write a book
she was so DOD
she was so MST
she was keen

###
i showed off my counterfeit cash
my counterfeit army
in the art deco

and watched him away
the headlights and the intrusions
the stalking
the police collusion
it all made a nice dinnertime repartee

i said to father in the dream
don't let your dreams get away from you
and mother said
i want to hit you

fbi in a dugout
stalking uncovertly
a bad PC with Virus
a missed plane to london and an empty account

fighting through the material universe
to a realm of plants

john p. wheeler could have it all
all the fish and all the birds
and all the chemical poisons
fit to print
in arkansas